


Trapped in my mind

by FlowerWishes



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25633465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlowerWishes/pseuds/FlowerWishes
Summary: A look into Sander's Bipolar Disorder.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 2
Kudos: 40





	Trapped in my mind

**Author's Note:**

> I did a lot of research to be able to write this. I truly hope that I did everyone with bipolar disorder justice with this work.
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Please leave a comment, I would love to hear your thoughts!

Some say that the highest of highs make it easier to tolerate the lowest of lows and Sander believed that, sometimes and other times not. 

When he's at his highest, Sander's thoughts are racing around at light speed, changing lanes constantly, never staying still for more than a brief moment. He's trying to talk as quickly as possible in order to keep up with his mind but to other people, his words blend together into something they can't understand and something that doesn't resemble Sander's thoughts. Sander feels on top of the world, like he's invincible, like he could do absolutely anything and there would be no consequences to be dealt with. He's feeling optimistic about the world, his view tinted by rose-colored glasses. He can't really trace the path of his thoughts because they're coming at him too quickly to keep track of. It doesn't bother him though as he happily rides upon each new train of thought, indulging in it and seeing it out to the point where another thought begins. Things catch his attention and he forgets what he was thinking about just a minute ago. His mind rests upon the idea before he's pulled in another direction once again, easily distracted, never paying full attention to anything.

Sleep rarely found him when he was in his manic states and when it did, it couldn't hold onto him for very long. Britt would sometimes try to get him to lie in bed and go to sleep but sleep would never wash over him completely. Sander would wake up in a cold sweat, antsy to get moving and do something. Within a few short minutes he would get up and search for a new adventure. Sitting still felt like a prison sentence when there were so many things he could achieve. He could accomplish anything, there were no restraints, there were no bounds, there was just freedom, recklessness, indulgence and passion. There was hope.

Sander reveled in his mania and the way it painted his thoughts with happiness and optimism. The consequences he neglected to acknowledge before, however, always caught up with him. He couldn't escape them once the feeling dissipated. When the mania burns out, Sander feels like there is nothing left. He feels empty as he retreats from his place high up in the clouds and crashes back to earth. Sometimes he returns to a state of equilibrium between the two extremes and sometimes he falls further and further until he hits rock bottom.

Sander feels trapped inside his own mind, bound by his thoughts, jailed by his feelings. Sleep attracts him like a magnet but whenever he wakes up, he still feels exhausted, no energy to spare for anything. He feels utterly worthless. No one could possibly accept him for the way he is, for who he is, for what he is. In fact, he feels that he doesn't deserve that kind of someone. Someone who doesn't look at him with terror and fear in their eyes when he tells them that he is bipolar. He will never be loved and he doesn't warrant being loved. How could he possibly subject anymore people to the mess that he feels he is. Sander withdraws from his family and friends, he wants to be by himself to dwell on his thoughts. The world seems bleak and the future seems hopeless. There is no sunshine, only dark clouds and thunderstorms.

When the waves, or more accurately tsunamis, of anxiety crash into him one after the other, it feels inescapable but he feels that it is what he deserves, he is not worthy of being happy, he does not deserve to be pain-free. The sadness engulfs his entire being day after day, a dark shadow that never leaves him, always there, always present, always making itself known. It feels like someone is holding his head underwater, never letting up and he's too weak to fight back. It feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is only darkness no matter how far down you walk. Only darkness.

When Sander returns to the middle or somewhere near to the middle, he is filled with fear. Fear of what he could do when he leaves the middle. What impulsive decision will he make when he feels that there are no repercussions to his actions? What harmful decisions will he make when he feels like there is nothing more?

Sander finds himself feeling angry a lot and has for a long time. Angry at himself for being broken, angry at his doctors for not fixing him and angry at the world for breaking him in the first place. What did he do to deserve this? Why him?

Then he finds himself feeling guilty. Guilty for subjecting his parents to a child who has little control, for having to deal with every high and every low that he experiences and for having to watch their son be broken.

It feels exhausting and overwhelming just to be in his own skin. His mind is a maze and he can't find his way out.

He has found comfort though, something to ground and stabilize him. He found that in his art, in his love for capturing the world around him on a piece of paper or in a photograph. His art was his way of surrounding himself by what he wanted to see rather than what he actually saw.

He's also found relief in Robbe and his love for him. Robbe is someone who is always there for him, someone who would never leave him and someone to make him feel loved even when he doesn't believe he should be loved. Robbe brightened his world. When he was low, Robbe was there to support him but not fix him. When he was high, Robbe was there to join in his happiness and to watch over him but not to bring him down. Robbe helped with the daily struggle of finding the balance between the highs and the lows, somewhere in the middle, somewhere in the eye of the storm that Sander felt raged around him.


End file.
